It’s not an obsession back in my village, and my hometown at large although this is bound to change due to the proliferation of fast food outlets such as women frying chipped potatoes in copious amounts of fat, by the roadside. But then, by nature, our people exercise a lot by thinking about how the politics of 2022 will turn out, in case William is booted. Of course, they do this in the shopping center not less than five kilometers away from their homes, where they go to catch Swaleh Mdoe (by the way was he fortunate to get a buyer of his kidney?) and then trek back. 10 km to and fro.
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If you are keen enough, that’s one way on how to lose weight, without doing anything. It is politics, my friend. For the purposes of objectivity, I have to consider both sides of political divides. When baba calls for a rally in Uhuru Park, lean people who have demonstrated their ability to withstand tear gas as well as prowess in the science of stone throwing, if need be, troop into town to hear what The Enigma has to say. These people, for your information, walk ‘many’ distances to witness baba strolling in on top of a luxury Japanese SUV, a fuel guzzler that can feed them for a month in one refill, of course, if they depend on KDF for all nutritional needs. That’s how these men and women keep fit, lean, and shall be so for many years to come unless they attract stray bullets.
There are real men, and then there are just men. The ‘just men’ category is people, who by sheer stroke of luck, their liquid excretion organ did not grow inwards, but outwards. The only reason why they are considered men is that, logically, they can’t go to the ladies washrooms for the sole reason that women will scream like they have a seen a bomb that’s about to detonate. Also, as a warning, these men can reproduce, only with one fatal genetic flaw-they do not support any football team. In fact, not anything with a ball in it. As such these men have been condemned to die slow miserable deaths, caused by cholesterol or anything close to it. They would have avoided these fatal lifestyle diseases by supporting at least Arsenal, a team renowned for working people out every ninety minutes, once or more times a week, and during summer transfers which is every single second of it.
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Moving on swiftly, let’s tackle another way of losing weight, without actually doing anything. It is relationships. No one will tell you this but, going by recent trends, relationship issues have been proven to be fatal. They have taken over half of the news, taking varied headlines such as; MAN KILLS WIFE, AND KIDS, TORCHES SELF. Many of them in different gruesome versions. Experts in opinion manufacturing are quick to apportion blame to the politics of the day..ati sijui the rising public debt, the rising cost of living, but they are all wrong. It is the relationships that are the root cause of all the deaths, and more specific relationship with money. Many people out there are in a relationship with money, either directly or indirectly. You will always be a loser if you admit it, especially during job interviews. It is recommended that you lie, get the job, and subsequently get a girlfriend regardless of whether you are married or not. It is the nature of things. And you don’t mess with nature. And this is why. Someone out there will avoid eating too much, which shall result in weight loss. They will be constantly thinking about you to care about food.
The last way of losing weight is finishing college. It may not be remarkable for those whose applications to have blue blood coursing in their veins were accepted. This substance is however rare, that’s why people will hold mock interviews such as the one Capirro did recently. I understand it was some sort of auditions, which, after candidates had outwitted themselves, Anita rose to announce the winner, ‘ Now it’s my pleasure to announce to you who we will be taking as our new radio host. She has demonstrated every skill we are looking for throughout the rigorous exercise. She is here in this room. It is me. “ For fresh graduates, this is one rare occasion where a corporation has overtly told them, ‘As far as this is a mere formality, we intend to take maximum delight in you making fools of yourselves trying to impress us into giving you the job. The position is already filled though hahaha.’ And because the life in the village does not offer enough challenges, you are stuck in Nairobi, hawking your certificates day in day out in the hope that someone will notice something familiar in your name give you the job. In the meantime, you resort to taking a meal a day, from the winnings you may get from your favorite sports betting site. In the process, you lose weight without actually doing anything.
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